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I can't believe stuff like this.

Hello! Sasha never updates his w-e-b-l-o-g so I thought I'd help him out. Sash is doing well. Work is crazy (something about an audit), but he is doing lots of fencing (and giving lessons) and gyming to alleviate stress. We even go to yoga class together!

Our charge cards are also being well-exercised. There are a few new toys around the house. Fancy new cable, a new washer, and a pot rack. Jose from Grande communications stopped by Friday afternoon to scale a few trees and a telephone pole in order to hook us up to digital cable. Now I can tape (excuse me, "DVR") ER and Grey's Anatomy in high definition. Because we had to ditch Jose in favor of dinner and a show with the parentals (mine), Sash had to finish up all the connections in the house. He stayed up into the wee hours fiddling with shiny metal boxes that make lots of strange whirring noises. For some reason, the end result was hours and hours of HD Ren and Stimpy. I'll be sure to tap--DVR lots of medical dramas to balance out the toons.

The new washer is amazing--gone is the ancient, angrily buzzing Lady Kenmore that may or may not have done its job of getting clothes clean. She was no lady, folks. The "washing" process was inevitably interrupted when fencing straps, underwear straps, or tank top straps got wrapped boa constrictor-style around the agitator, thereby agitating us. Our clothes were sometimes sucked completely underneath the agitator by the naked gnome who lives below and dreams of wearing strappy clothing. No longer! I delight in cramming as much laundry in our new washer as possible and doing a load knowing that the gnome is SOL.

Finally, the pot rack has arrived! In pieces. So it's still sitting in its box on the dining room table.

No more Internet shopping for me...

Friday night we treated my parentals (well, treated my dad anyway--I forced me mum to attend) to "The Rat Pack: Live at the Sands." Francis, Dean, and Sammy crooned the night away.

**News Flash** Sash has just decided to watch more Ren and Stimpy in the name of choosing on something we can both agree on. I disagree! I disagree! I'm ten and my sister is watching Star Trek and I disagree!

Anyway, me mum fell asleep toward the end of the final act but dad enjoyed the whole show.

On Saturday, Sash and I gymmed in the a.m. (my step teacher played the Heineken song, which is very good for stepping) and then drove out to Enchanted Rock in the afternoon and watched the vultures soar, explored some caves, and communed with Nature and stuff. Then we headed over to Fredricksburg to experience Oktoberfest. We did the whole booth food bit, which was actually pretty good and maybe even authentic, and then we danced the night away. Mr. and Mrs. Devine (who have danced in all 50 states) were kind enough to teach us how to polka, and dancing with Sash was definitely the highlight of my evening. Even though the old guy spun me more. I was actually out of breath! Polka-ing involves a lot of hopping. Quick-quick-slow (and slow-quick-quick for the waltz). I'm learning! My brain now has polka pathways forming! We also got in some nice two-steps and Sash spun and twirled me plenty once we were back in familiar territory.

Sunday was the usual chores bit and stuff.

That's the goss, you heard it here first.

Cheers!

One thing that I do for "fun" is referee fencing tournaments. This past weekend, I refereed the "Gold Blade Open" in Dallas. The organizers went through a helluva a lot of trouble to fly me up there and even gave me a new hotel room when I found out that they had put me up with our section's autistic savant. Anyhoo, I am including myself when I say this: the cadre of referees with whom I worked were the nerdiest ever assembled in one place. If someone had firebombed the venue, the coolness factor of fencing referees in the USFA would have jumped a significant quotient. I tried to describe this to my Uncle Joe, who suggested the comparison of Napoleon Dynamite.

That described my weekend to a T. Refereeing with bullying nerds that follow the Napoleon Dynamite mold.

Also, the head referee, who is laughed-at and despised by his peers in the refereeing community, is of the same mold as the fat bastard with whom I worked at my former place of employee. Fat, waddling, beady eyed. The only thing I'll say in his favor is that he is not mean-spirited. Most of the time. He just tries to prove that he's memorized the rule-book down to the most obscure rules in Appendix A, section 4, sub paragraph B.

I guess I shouldn't be so mean to these poor folks.

Anyway.

Random question that I thought of while watching cable tv in my hotel room this past Saturday night after the tournament: why is it that Wargames plays on cable tv every weekend of the year?

Well, blog-readers, I have to report that I have a good reason for not writing a new blog entry for two weeks. About two months ago, the Emster and I began what is a rite of passage for those of our generation: shacking up.

Shortly after we began looking, we happened to run into TwoBadDogs and The Greggers at Twin Sisters Bakery and Cafe, a vegan-lesbian-with-armpit-hair cafe tucked away in one of the more upscale locales of San Antone. They gave us a hot tip: the house next door to TwoBadDog's house was for rent! Two bedrooms! $1000/month! Being refurbished!

Of course, we ran over, and the Emster immediately fell in love with the old, run-down shack. Well, it wasn't in that bad shape, and the owner has done a lot to improve the place before and after we moved in. I handed the owner, who happened to be there, a large check for an undisclosed sum, sealing the deal.

Thus began the process of many trips to Home Depot, buying paint, painting the entire interior or the house a rainbow of pastels (under protest by yours truly), packing up our shit, moving said shit in U-Hauls, unpacking everything, setting up everything, more trips to Home Dept, debating how high to hang all the artwork, realizing that Home Depot generally sucks and going to the locally owned Shcnabel's Hardware instead where they were incredibly helpful and friendly, and so on and on and on.

We had finished moving in over five days (we took three off from work to do all of this). We've already had two parties, and I was able to find a geeked-out desk at Office Depot (no relation to Home Depot that I know of). The desk even has a powered USB hub, which allows me to hook all my geek stuff up to my powerbook like never before.

Our first night in the house, I had an urge to go sleep in the same room as my computer.

So that's where I've been for the past two weeks. Here in my new (rental) home. The Emster and I are now officially "Oh-niners" (as they call the denziens of the 78209 zip code here in San Antone). Technically, we now live in Alamo Heights, "City of Beauty and Charm."

Also! I almost forgot to share the new technologies which Emster and I have discovered:

• Washing Machine - You put your dirty clothes in with soap and they come out clean. You don't have to go to the laundry mat where drunk men will tell you things like "You can't beat your wife any more because she'll call the cops" (true story). We bought this fantastical device yesterday for $90. It is almost as old as the Emster.
• Dryer - You put the aforementioned clean-but-damp clothes in this device with a dryer sheet and they come out dry. It came with the house and has a light illuminating its control panel that never turns off.
• Dishwasher - You put dirty dishes into this contraption, which we discovered in the kitchen. Then you put "dishwasher soap" in to a little compartment on the swinging door thing, close it, turn a knob, and dishes are somehow clean 30 min or so later. According to Emster, you have to load dishes and whatnot in a certain way according to their weight, material, etc. or they break or melt or other bad things. We can put a man on the moon, but this contraption is so difficult to use? I haven't figured out how this machine works its magic, but I suspect that little elves that live in the house come out and clean the dishes.
• Ice Maker - Somehow, ice magically appears in my freezer (which the landlord bought brand new for us).
• Screened off front porch - ok, not really technology, but it still rocks. Need to get rocking chairs.
• Central air - I'm not sure what this is, but Emster is excited about it. At one point, I she was chanting it unceasingly, like a mantra. I've noticed that there are no window units in the house, so I hope that central air has something to do with making the house cooler when it gets to 110F this summer.
• Cable TV - I broke down and got Time Warner Cable so that Emster could watch Law and Order and ER, her two favorite shows. Also, there's March Madness. BUT we only got the basic broadcast channels. BUT, they give us ESPN, HBO, and some other channels that I'll never watch. The guy that installed our cable used to be a fullback for the Cleveland Browns, and I think he liked us and connected some wires or something.
  HDLCD TV and Tivo to follow?
• Closet space - again, not technology, but I need to mention that our house has enough closet space to handle Emster's extensive wardrobe, including her 30+ pairs of shoes. At one point she was concerned that she had lost a pair of red shoes, but it turned out that they were buried behind some other shoes.
• Pantry - this innovation in living space allows us to store food in an accessible, well organized manner.
• Built-in bookshelves - in the front living room. What the heck do I do with all my old bookshelves?
• Breakfast-nook - it seems that in times of old, people ate breakfast in a nook. We have daringly eaten other meals there as well since moving in. I hope this activity isn't in violation of an Alamo Heights city ordinance. I say this because TwoBadDogs warned me that I could get a ticket for parking my car on the street in front of the house that I am renting.
• Garage - we have a garage. I can put my bike there. The washing machine and dryer also live there. Also, there is a ton of storage space there and in an attic above the garage.
• Front and Backyard - the backyard is just a pit of dirt, but we have one and it is fenced in.
• Next-door neighbors - I have next-door neighbors with whom I am friend. TwoBadDogs also owns two bad dogs that love me already. Buster, the bigger of the two, escaped from his backyard on Monday to come visit me. Good bad dog!

Did I forget anything?

Ok, this past weekend, I made my much ballyhooed competitive comeback in fencing. I competed in the Masters Open, an annual tournament at the University of Texas at Austin.

To recap, in the foil event, I was bested by a 16 year-old girl.

Ok, stop laughing.

No, seriously.

The thing is, I ended up getting off easy. I was only her appetizer in the round of 16. The poor guy that she fenced for the gold medal ended up in a wheel-chair afterwards. True! Actually, he wasn't hurt too badly, he only had a bad cramp at the end of the bout. Ms. Malynn of Dallas was described by that brave fellow as a "pit-bull." I wholeheartedly agree with his estimation; she hit me harder than anyone else that day. No one, certainly not a slew of big mean fencing boys, was stopping her from victory that day. She demolished the best that South Texas Division has to offer.

Ms. Malynn, my fencing helmet is off to you. Girl power!

In the saber event, I did much better. Fortunately, I didn't have to take on any more teenage girls, but I did survive a close scare with a 13 year old in the top four. I ended up fencing quite well despite not having trained seriously for the past three years (I credit Spectrum's elliptical trainer and that pilates class). Ultimately, I lost out in the gold-medal match to a noted saberist from Houston who really seemed to enjoy yelling WHOA! WHOA! WHOA! very loudly anytime he hit me. Pretty typical of saber, but can we bring back some decorum to the sport, gents?

I would like to thank Team Sasha for their support throughout the grueling 10 hours of the competition, much of it spent waiting for something to happen. I would also like to thank, once again, Spectrum Health Club of San Antonio for getting me back in good enough shape to get beat up in public by a 16 year-old girl!

Pics are here.

S-dawg out.

Panda Kindergarten.

If you haven't (re)read 1984, this point in history would be a good time to do so.

Yeah.

Asked why the president used the words ''the Middle East'' when he didn't really mean them, one administration official said Bush wanted to dramatize the issue in a way that ''every American sitting out there listening to the speech understands.'' The official spoke only on condition of anonymity because he feared that his remarks might get him in trouble.

Where do you fit in?

Sadly, I find my self, at various points in my life, to have resided at several points on the chart. Just a couple of days ago, I ripped Princess Monoke for my iPod in the original Japanese with subtitles.

How am I going to read 4 point font?

(Hat tip, as they say, to my homeboy CyranoVR)

Many of you have expressed a desire, at some point or another, to see me fence. Frequently, I am asked at fencing tournaments why I am refereeing rather than competing. Well, due to this popular demand, I have selected the tournament at which I will make my competitive comeback: The Masters Open.

This annual tournament, in which I last competed at the tender age of 17, is held at the campus of the University of Texas at Austin. It will take place on Saturday and Sunday, February 25 and 26. In a gratuitous (and possibly ill advised) display of my fencing ability and knowledge, I will be competing in all three weapons: foil and sabre on Saturday and epee on Saturday.

So, if you wish to see me get dismantled by one of the many 15-year-old fencers of South Texas, here's your chance! Have I been training for this weekend of armed combat, you ask? Well, I've taken a pilates class at the Alamo Heights Spectrum Fitness Center, so I think that I will be in good enough shape to handle this grueling, two-day tournament.

LOCATION

The Recreational Sports Building on campus.

SATURDAY 2/25

Mixed Foil -- 8:30am

Mixed Saber -- 1:30pm

SUNDAY 2/26

Mixed Epee -- 8:30am

The start times are early, but if you show up around 11 am, I guarantee that I'll at least be able to put on a demonstration. The saber event on Saturday is probably the most convenient and won't take very long.

Complete details can be found at AskFred.

BONUS: The pictures from my previous competitive comeback.

I have been sounding of this idea to a lot of people for a long time, and I generally have received a positive response. So, I think that I am ready for the big time: posting my idea to my blog!

Recently, Em and I joined a health club. Since then, I have been forced to endure such indignities as pilates and other group exercise classes (spin class, flex class, yoga). Those classes are not so bad in themselves, but I have to listen to some techno-dance-pop-disco music so I feel motivated to exercise. Then comes the "cool down" portion of the class when the instructor turns the lights down low and puts on a little Sara McLachlan or some such. At yesterday's "flex" class we were treated to some Return to Innocence fo' dat ass.

Ah, to think of the college sophomores who got it on to that song back in the fiery days of the mid-90s.

As a side note: after these "classes" (which are typically 95% women), I find myself with strange thoughts about perhaps taking in some musical theater and pursuing a more creative career, particularly flower arrangement or interior decorating.

But I digress.

Back to the topic at hand, the health club has those elliptical trainer things. Each one has either a built-in LCD TV or at least a headphone jack that lets you listen to one of the 6 huge plasma TVs up on the wall (showing Fox News, two sports channels, UPN, and CSPAN).

At home, I don't have cable, just a TV with an attenna that gets 28 crystal clear spanish channels (hey, it's San Antonio). I also am occasionally able to coax Fox and the WB from the airwaves (and, on even rarer occasions, ABC and PBS). So going to the gym is my big chance to watch The Daily Show with Jon Stewart, The Colbert Report ("it's French, bitch"), or the shows that everyone is talking about around the water cooler (e.g., Emeril Live!).

Needless to say, I love going to the gym.

Then, after a couple of weeks (and seven pounds! Thank you, Spectrum!) of peddling the elliptical trainer, it hit me.

We can solve this nation's struggle with obesity, possibly one of the largest (snort) health problems facing our nation (and Texas is up there at the top) with the following proposed legislation:

You are only allowed to watch TV if you are also peddling something at the same time.

Americans watch an average of 28 hours of television per week!

Think about it.

Donkey Kong vs. Halo. I have never played Halo. Isn't it just an upgraded Marathon? For me, video games never got better than (Ms.) Pac Man, Galaga, and Donkey Kong. No strategy guides to read, no hours of game play, you're in and out in 3 minutes and back to drinking beer at the pub. The shot to the head at the end makes clear the generational differences in video games. Okay, I've participated in my share of simulated murders, but there's only so much one can take. Lego Star Wars is about all the violence I can handle these days.

Shiznit. Not good times for my former employer. Still, 70 out of 4000 isn't too bad a situation.

NEW: Harcourt Assessment to lay off 70 workers:

HandBrake Lite: A Dream come true.

Finally got to watch the first episode of Firefly this past weekend while sitting in the Houston Hobby airport for two extra hours.

This is not going to make sense to most of you, but here it is.

1. When the soviet-bloc coaches start yelling angrily at you, the best policy is not to completely ignore them (as you're been taught). If you ignore them, you're an asshole, and talking back delays the bout. Instead, just unemotionally give them your attention, let them finish yelling, listen to what they say, then shrug your shoulders and look apologetic.

   But, remember what they had to say, because they are probably right.

2. Call the close ones in the middle. How does a referee do that? No one can agree or seems to know.
3. If you find non-conforming equipment, no matter how easy it is to fix, make the fencer take care of it his or herself.
4. A touch scored on non-valid surface that registers valid must stand, even if the cause is a sweat-soaked uniform. It is the responsibility of the fencer to use equipment that does not cause the scoring apparatus to malfunction.
5. Immediately and loudly acknowledging an honest mistake can save your ass. Seriously.
6. Jokes about whether there are turkeys in Turkey do not go over well with the Eastern-european set.

Peeps who work for microsoft? How do I make a new photo album for my trip to south padre? Also, if I upload photos, does microsoft own the photos? thanks, Sasha

What the heck is a "Trackback" ? P.S. Send me PayPal donations so that I can keep blogging!

I don't know how bloggers do this because I just watch almost a hour melt a way figuring this stuff out. I have to get to work. Ok, that's not gonna happen because my trusty 2000 Ford Focus ZX3 is no longer trusty and I'm getting up early to see if I can coax it to the shop in my old hood.

I want my MSN spaces experience to be great. I so very much want to. I hope I can figure out this MSN spaces thing, because it seems so very very technically sophisticated. OK, G requests a picture of my snoogly shnookems. Here's a classic pic which I took with my trusty Siemens S66. P.S. If you do not ever hear from me again, it is because Emily has buried my body in an undisclosed location.