Panda Kindergarten.

If you haven't (re)read 1984, this point in history would be a good time to do so.

Yeah.

Asked why the president used the words ''the Middle East'' when he didn't really mean them, one administration official said Bush wanted to dramatize the issue in a way that ''every American sitting out there listening to the speech understands.'' The official spoke only on condition of anonymity because he feared that his remarks might get him in trouble.

Where do you fit in?

Sadly, I find my self, at various points in my life, to have resided at several points on the chart. Just a couple of days ago, I ripped Princess Monoke for my iPod in the original Japanese with subtitles.

How am I going to read 4 point font?

(Hat tip, as they say, to my homeboy CyranoVR)

Many of you have expressed a desire, at some point or another, to see me fence. Frequently, I am asked at fencing tournaments why I am refereeing rather than competing. Well, due to this popular demand, I have selected the tournament at which I will make my competitive comeback: The Masters Open.

This annual tournament, in which I last competed at the tender age of 17, is held at the campus of the University of Texas at Austin. It will take place on Saturday and Sunday, February 25 and 26. In a gratuitous (and possibly ill advised) display of my fencing ability and knowledge, I will be competing in all three weapons: foil and sabre on Saturday and epee on Saturday.

So, if you wish to see me get dismantled by one of the many 15-year-old fencers of South Texas, here's your chance! Have I been training for this weekend of armed combat, you ask? Well, I've taken a pilates class at the Alamo Heights Spectrum Fitness Center, so I think that I will be in good enough shape to handle this grueling, two-day tournament.

LOCATION

The Recreational Sports Building on campus.

SATURDAY 2/25

Mixed Foil -- 8:30am

Mixed Saber -- 1:30pm

SUNDAY 2/26

Mixed Epee -- 8:30am

The start times are early, but if you show up around 11 am, I guarantee that I'll at least be able to put on a demonstration. The saber event on Saturday is probably the most convenient and won't take very long.

Complete details can be found at AskFred.

BONUS: The pictures from my previous competitive comeback.

I have been sounding of this idea to a lot of people for a long time, and I generally have received a positive response. So, I think that I am ready for the big time: posting my idea to my blog!

Recently, Em and I joined a health club. Since then, I have been forced to endure such indignities as pilates and other group exercise classes (spin class, flex class, yoga). Those classes are not so bad in themselves, but I have to listen to some techno-dance-pop-disco music so I feel motivated to exercise. Then comes the "cool down" portion of the class when the instructor turns the lights down low and puts on a little Sara McLachlan or some such. At yesterday's "flex" class we were treated to some Return to Innocence fo' dat ass.

Ah, to think of the college sophomores who got it on to that song back in the fiery days of the mid-90s.

As a side note: after these "classes" (which are typically 95% women), I find myself with strange thoughts about perhaps taking in some musical theater and pursuing a more creative career, particularly flower arrangement or interior decorating.

But I digress.

Back to the topic at hand, the health club has those elliptical trainer things. Each one has either a built-in LCD TV or at least a headphone jack that lets you listen to one of the 6 huge plasma TVs up on the wall (showing Fox News, two sports channels, UPN, and CSPAN).

At home, I don't have cable, just a TV with an attenna that gets 28 crystal clear spanish channels (hey, it's San Antonio). I also am occasionally able to coax Fox and the WB from the airwaves (and, on even rarer occasions, ABC and PBS). So going to the gym is my big chance to watch The Daily Show with Jon Stewart, The Colbert Report ("it's French, bitch"), or the shows that everyone is talking about around the water cooler (e.g., Emeril Live!).

Needless to say, I love going to the gym.

Then, after a couple of weeks (and seven pounds! Thank you, Spectrum!) of peddling the elliptical trainer, it hit me.

We can solve this nation's struggle with obesity, possibly one of the largest (snort) health problems facing our nation (and Texas is up there at the top) with the following proposed legislation:

You are only allowed to watch TV if you are also peddling something at the same time.

Americans watch an average of 28 hours of television per week!

Think about it.

Donkey Kong vs. Halo. I have never played Halo. Isn't it just an upgraded Marathon? For me, video games never got better than (Ms.) Pac Man, Galaga, and Donkey Kong. No strategy guides to read, no hours of game play, you're in and out in 3 minutes and back to drinking beer at the pub. The shot to the head at the end makes clear the generational differences in video games. Okay, I've participated in my share of simulated murders, but there's only so much one can take. Lego Star Wars is about all the violence I can handle these days.

Shiznit. Not good times for my former employer. Still, 70 out of 4000 isn't too bad a situation.

NEW: Harcourt Assessment to lay off 70 workers:

HandBrake Lite: A Dream come true.

Finally got to watch the first episode of Firefly this past weekend while sitting in the Houston Hobby airport for two extra hours.

This is not going to make sense to most of you, but here it is.

1. When the soviet-bloc coaches start yelling angrily at you, the best policy is not to completely ignore them (as you're been taught). If you ignore them, you're an asshole, and talking back delays the bout. Instead, just unemotionally give them your attention, let them finish yelling, listen to what they say, then shrug your shoulders and look apologetic.

   But, remember what they had to say, because they are probably right.

2. Call the close ones in the middle. How does a referee do that? No one can agree or seems to know.
3. If you find non-conforming equipment, no matter how easy it is to fix, make the fencer take care of it his or herself.
4. A touch scored on non-valid surface that registers valid must stand, even if the cause is a sweat-soaked uniform. It is the responsibility of the fencer to use equipment that does not cause the scoring apparatus to malfunction.
5. Immediately and loudly acknowledging an honest mistake can save your ass. Seriously.
6. Jokes about whether there are turkeys in Turkey do not go over well with the Eastern-european set.

Peeps who work for microsoft? How do I make a new photo album for my trip to south padre? Also, if I upload photos, does microsoft own the photos? thanks, Sasha

What the heck is a "Trackback" ? P.S. Send me PayPal donations so that I can keep blogging!

I don't know how bloggers do this because I just watch almost a hour melt a way figuring this stuff out. I have to get to work. Ok, that's not gonna happen because my trusty 2000 Ford Focus ZX3 is no longer trusty and I'm getting up early to see if I can coax it to the shop in my old hood.

I want my MSN spaces experience to be great. I so very much want to. I hope I can figure out this MSN spaces thing, because it seems so very very technically sophisticated. OK, G requests a picture of my snoogly shnookems. Here's a classic pic which I took with my trusty Siemens S66. P.S. If you do not ever hear from me again, it is because Emily has buried my body in an undisclosed location.

This is my first blog entry at M$!